7 Days down, 358 to Go!
Dear My One and Only Love,
It’s Valentine’s Day and we’re apart. You’re there, I’m here. I had grand plans of having chocolate covered strawberries (or nachos!) sent to your hotel room but couldn’t figure out how to make an international call. And then I had grand plans of asking someone in your office to do it for me but instead spent the morning getting distracted by one thing after another.
First, I had the joy of cleaning up your son’s pee off of the bathroom floor and wall. I didn’t know that pee could come out at a 45 degree angle, did you? Well it can. And it did. Everywhere. I think it is time to potty train #3. Ugh. So not ready for that.
Well after that I tried to make heart pancakes for the boys and for your dad’s birthday. That was an epic failure. I was so distracted by #4 crying incessantly (he has a 102 fever) that when the batter looked a little lumpy, I added buttermilk. Turns out, I had forgotten the 3 eggs, not the buttermilk. Lets just say the pancakes tasted, um, a little interesting today.
Next up I took #3 to speech and then #1 to Reading Class and then it was time to decorate Valentine’s cookies and before I knew it was the dinner, bath, and bed. And I didn’t talk to you once. Or even send you chocolate covered strawberries.
Or even tell you that I love you.
So I’ve decided that I am dedicating this blog to you.
A week ago I wrote the following. It has yet to be posted since I’m backblogged, but now seems fitting to share with you.
* * * * *
Me reading a Blog entry to my husband.
“I ask again, non-existent Orange Rhino followers, will you help me? I know I *should* be able to do this on my own. But its hard. I need the support. I need to feel successful again. I need to find faith in myself. I don’t know where or how my confidence got lost, but it’s gone. And quite frankly, I miss the person that it belonged too. All that’s left is a shell of that person. And I’m pretty sure my husband misses her too. And I guarantee the boys would love to meet her.”
Husband: “Um, that’s really dark sounding. Are you having a mid-thirties crisis? Isn’t writing supposed to make you feel better? Isn’t this supposed to be a positive experience?”
Me: “It is. I have all the feelings inside of me. They aren’t knew. They’ve been with me forever (or so it seems). I don’t tell them to anyone. So they just bottle up. But in writing, I’m letting them out. Which feels great.”
Him: “Um, okay. So you don’t tell these deep dark feelings to anyone, but, let me see if I can get this right, you are going to share them with the world?”
Me: “Yeah, that’s right.”
Him:“That’s interesting. Good luck with that. I mean, I support you fully.”
Interesting? That’s hardly the word. How about screwed up? Backwards? Ironic? Silly? Risky? Potentially mortifying?
Yeah, it’s all those things and more. But it is just so much easier to tell my feelings to strangers. Don’t know why, it just is. Me and intimacy? We don’t have such an intimate relationship, it’s more like we’re distant relatives who get together once a year at the Thanksgiving table and pretend to have something to talk about. Ha. Me and writing? Much more intimate. I can tell my computer anything and she just lets me. She doesn’t talk back, she doesn’t try to tell me how to feel or what to do or that I am crazy. I think I’m in love with her….
But I do love my husband too, of course. He is crazy supportive of this little endeavor. He is always supportive of me and I am so lucky. I just need to tell him more.
* * * * *
So dear husband, since I can’t tell you now, I am telling the world (well my 7 readers). I love you. I don’t tell you that enough. Nearly enough. I wouldn’t be writing this blog if it weren’t for your support, for your love note telling me I had 1 day down and 364 to go. You push me when I am ready to quit. You tell me I can do it when I am sure I can’t. You love me when I’m not at my most “loveable” which I know has been a lot lately.
When I met you, you made me want to lose weight. Not because you said I was overweight, but because I knew I was going to marry you. I knew I wanted to have a family with you and love you as long as we both shall live. So I knew, if I wanted these things, I needed to get healthy, and I did. You were my inspiration. And now, you are my inspiration again. You work so hard and sacrifice so much to be a good husband and a good father. You know kind of like a good bowl of Fettucine Alfredo 😉 You hardly ever yell. You have the type of patience I dream of. You engage with the boys on a level so unfamiliar to me. You enjoy the moment in a way I am incapable of. You do all of this, and more, despite not having time for yourself and having lots of stress in your life. I am going to kick this challenge’s a*s because when I do, I am certain I will come out being more like you.
I so often hide behind the words of greeting cards at Holidays. I claim that they are written perfectly, that they say exactly what I feel. And so often they do. And so I just sign my name without saying what I feel. You deserve more. I love you. You make me a better person. Every since the day I met you, you’ve made me a better person. You show me how to be a better person, both by example and in how you love me, how you encourage me, how you support me.
I know right now you’re thinking “…go to bed! It’s late you need to take care of yourself.” I know that. But I promised myself that as my Valentine’s gift to you I would tell you exactly how I feel and how appreciated and loved you are.
xoxo
The Orange Rhino.
P.S. Made it through another day! 7 days down. Phew! Seeing as I will be going off of 6 hours sleep tomorrow, please pray for me that I make it through day 8!!! xoxo
awww…